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Breakup Mistake #1

(The following is part 1 of Annalyn Caras' 10-part mini course.)

BREAKUP MISTAKE #1: Not Seeing Your Situation Objectively.

In my opinion this is the number one mistake people make that kills their chances of getting back together with their loved ones. Let's face it, as humans, we love ourselves. You could even say it's instinctual and necessary for our survival. My dad used to tell me to stick up for myself because if I didn't look after myself, no one would. And I believe he was right.

We all need to look out for ourselves. But relationships make this tricky! Because in a relationship, we're supposed to look out for the other person more than ourselves, and if the other person is doing the same, then you can really enjoy a healthy and rewarding relationship. But when a relationship ends, all bets are off! Immediately, we revert back to looking out for numero uno!

We can't help it. We feel hurt and sad and we have a real tough time seeing past the pain and hurt we are feeling. Our emotions get in the way and make it impossible to see the situation clearly and objectively. And if you can't see your situation objectively, then you're relying on your own perceptions, and not necessarily the truth. Let's face it; if you're going to change your situation, you need to be able to see the situation for what it REALLY is, not what you THINK it is.OK, so how do you do this? I believe there are a few different ways to seek out objectivity.

1. THE QUICK WAY TO OBJECTIVITY:

Seek the advice of a friend you trust. Tell your friend you really need their honesty and not to worry about hurting your feelings. You need an honest opinion. Outsiders can easily see the situation for what it is because their feelings and emotions are not wrapped up in it. A true friend can let you know if you're being pigheaded or if your actions led to your breakup. They can also shed light on your ex and explain their point of view in a way that makes sense to you. This is invaluable and if you have a friend who can be honest and helpful like this, take advantage of it as soon as you can.

2. ANOTHER QUICK WAY TO OBJECTIVITY:

Try to ask yourself objective questions. Am I being fair? Is my ex being fair? What reason has my ex given me for breaking up? Have I done anything to lead my ex to that conclusion? If so, can I correct it? If not, is my ex being truthful with me? You may or may not have an "a-ha" moment where you realize exactly what the problem is and how to fix it. But hopefully by answering plenty of objective questions honestly, you can get a clearer picture of what is really happening. It's sort of like fixing a car engine. You may know it's not working, but you still need to actually lift up the hood to get a good look at what's going on before you can even think about repairing it.

3. TRAIN YOURSELF TO THINK OBJECTIVELY:

Here's a method that civilizations have used for centuries. It takes some time to master but when you do you can easily make yourself over, changing or improving your personality and even your character at will. Just before you go to bed, lie down in your bed and begin to review your breakup in reverse order. So start with the present and work your way backwards. And do so by imagining your life on a movie screen. In this way, you are an outsider looking in on your life. And you must be as objective as an outsider would.You cannot make excuses for yourself. If you can see yourself with no emotional or egotistical attachments, you can see the complete truth in the situation. The more objective you are, the clearer the truth will become.

To begin, think of the last significant occurrence that happened before your breakup. What were your thoughts and emotions at the time? How did you react and what did you both say? Think of what happened immediately after this occurrence. Were your actions in line with your own standards? If not, try to figure out why you behaved as you did as objectively as you can, without justification or rationalization. As you see each event or occurrence, substitute the errors you've made with the correct behavior and follow your "movie" through to see how it might have played out.

As you do this you will be able to identify problems and even patterns of behavior so that you can make positive changes. This is a great self-improvement tool that allows us to identify problems and right our wrongs. Can you see how this can completely transform your relationship? Not only with your true love, but with friends, family, and even work relationships.

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